I started thinking about writing this post a couple months ago, after hearing a story on the radio about people who'd gotten married in their thirties. I came back to it now, having just finished Flight Behavior, and thought it was kind of funny how well that fit into the line of thought I'd been going along in the first place. Which is: I wonder why anyone still encourages people to get married young.
This is actually a thing I heard when I was younger—that people were waiting longer and longer to get married and that this was a concern, that girls should get married as soon as possible after high school, that boys should get married as soon as possible after their missions. But as a 27-year-old who's been married for almost five years now, I remember that pressure and feel the need to ask why on earth?
Why would it be a good thing for kids to be getting married at 18, 19, 20 years old? I'm not saying it's necessarily bad, and of course it works out fine for plenty of people. But as a general practice? Why is that something to be encouraged? How many of you have changed quite a bit in the years since you left high school? How many of you were very different as you graduated from college than you'd been when you started? Mike was 21 when we got married, and I was 23. We are both vastly different people now. Especially for myself, I can't overemphasize the significance of the kinds of changes I've been through—and the thing is, we're really lucky that we've moved through them so well together. These are changes that have broken many relationships and ended many marriages. What if that had been us, because we'd gotten married so young—before either of us really knew who we were?
I wonder how many people who get married in their late twenties or thirties later divorce for reasons of incompatibility? Those would be interesting numbers to see. I can't help but imagine those kinds of problems being much less prevalent in that demographic.
I got married at 21 to someone who was 25. I wonder the same thing. Although I wasn't as young as some of my friends, I was still very young. I think in a lot of ways, Adam and I have grown up together in these past 6 years. I look at my sister in law who got married a couple months ago at 19 and I kind of feel bad for her. Her husband is 27, and I feel like it will be kind of hard for her to make friends. The people her age aren't getting married. The people married aren't her age. My mom always said "Before you become someone's wife, become someone." Before I got married I was pretty much able to travel all over the world from 24 different states to 15 different countries (teaching English abroad as well). If I could do it again, I'd probably wait until after I graduated college (which I did three years after we got married) and I was working a little so I probably would have waited until I was 25, however, I want to be done having kids by the time I'm 31/32 and the three "childless" years we had were essential in developing who we are now together as a couple.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have never heard anyone tell a girl she needs to be married right out of high school or when she is young, or whatever I have heard them say guys should start looking soon after their missions. I almost think there is a golden age of marriage between being too young and too old. On the reverse side, how many people do you think who marry in their 30s divorce because of selfish reasons, having been set in their ways and being independent for so long they have a hard time depending on their spouse or mixing two lives that are already fine individually. Obviously, in anything, it is up to the couple (although I will encourage my daughters to wait until they've served missions, graduated, etc.)
I would not encourage my children to marry before they have finished their education. Certainly, they should put off having children until they are self-sufficient. The mormon ideal of marriage at 20 and supporting children on student loans, medicaid. etc. really bothers me. On the flip side, living with someone for years without any real commitment isn't any better. From my own experience of marrying in my 30s, I'd say the ideal time would be late 20s. Once I started dating for marriage, I was able to decide within one or two months of dating whether a serious relationship would emerge. I broke off every dating relationship within that time until I met my husband. I knew he was someone I wanted to marry within about three weeks. We were married within 11 months.
ReplyDeleteI'm married and 22 (two years married), so I'm biased, but I'm glad I didn't wait until my thirties to get married. I can wait another 4 years for kids and still have them before I'm thirty. It's a lot easier to pause a career for kids if you have them young.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think that the two years I spent at college were crucial for me for developing a personality as an individual. I definitely know a few girls who I feel sort of absorbed the "married couple" mentality before they could really develop as a person.
I like what your mom told you, Melissa. I think that should be absolutely standard procedure for... well, people. I grew up in ruralish conservative Christian Texas, so yeah, there was a pretty pervasive expectation that we were just all getting married as soon as we could. I'm sure that would also be an interesting question to see—how many people split because combining their lives was too hard.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree, Anonymous, that starting to have children too early can be irresponsible in many circumstances. I don't think you necessarily have to have your life totally squared away before having a baby—lots of people have a kid while one spouse or the other is still finishing school, for example, and it works okay—but I do remember thinking, as a college student, that I couldn't imagine why anyone would take two such stressful and life-consuming things and try to do them at the same time. And I do think that if you're completely dependent on student loans and/or government aid, the responsible thing to do is wait until you at least have a way of supporting yourself.
Lauren, that is the nice thing about having children young—being done having children younger. My mom turned 51 just after her youngest (of six) graduated from high school, and there are definitely benefits to that. She actually didn't have her first child until she was 26, so she just had all her pregnancies too close together (which is something she has strongly recommended I not do myself). I think you can start later and still end early as long as you don't plan to have quite so many children. And I do think you're capable of being a much more emotionally healthy parent if you're a little older when you become one. But I also know exactly what you mean about cherishing the first childless years of marriage. Mike and I have had almost five so far, and we have absolutely needed/loved it. I think it's a really, really good thing for a relationship to be able to have that time. It's probably true that it's easier to pause a career if you have them young... But then again I think it's a lot more common for women who have babies later in life to not pause their career, and just blend the two together. So I guess it's a matter of different paths. (Holy stream of consciousness, Batman.)