The Birth Order Book, by Dr. Kevin Leman--7/10

When I picked up this book, I wasn't expecting much in the way of depth--I mostly thought it would be fun to read the lists about what a typical oldest child is like and compare myself to it, read the other ones and laugh and see my siblings in them, etc. I was not expecting to discover much about why I am the way I am (which is, granted, a tad ironic considering the subtitle of the book).


So. Surprise, surprise. 


To give you an idea of what I am talking about, here is an anecdote. Toward the end of the book, I read this passage (directed toward firstborn parents):

Relax your perfectionist rules a bit. Maybe part of cleaning up the room is making the bed. Since 4 is a bit young to make beds, you may have the child help you, but be sure he does as much as he can, and if it's wrinkled in spots, congratulate him but don't do it over for him. So what if some of it looks like a toy truck got left under the covers? You can shut the door, and no one needs to see it. 

And you know what? I felt a wave of anxiety when I read that second to last sentence, an actual tightening in my chest. I envision that bumpy bedspread in my mind, and I can't help it--I am freaking out. Right now! That picture in my head is driving me crazy. 


The thing is, a thing that probably most of you don't even know about me: I am a perfectionist. A bad one. 


(Former college roommates, you are gaping in shock, right? You are remembering my messy side of the room (which wasn't even nearly as bad as it used to be in high school), and how I always left dishes in the sink, and how I despised cleaning checks, and how I got so annoyed when other people cleaned up the bathroom and put my things in the cabinets instead of on the counter; you are remembering these things and you are saying to yourselves, "She has finally gone insane.")


But it's true... It is true. Since Mike and I got married, basically, I have become both obsessive and compulsive about cleaning and organizing. My emotional calmness is directly connected to how messy our apartment (or room, right now) is; as things start getting cluttered, I start getting irritable and short-tempered, until one day--usually right in the middle of something else, or right as we're sitting down to eat or watch something--I just start picking things up and keep going until it's all clean. Mike always knows I'm not doing well emotionally when I silently begin cleaning--but he also knows that I'll be better when I finish.


And actually, according to this book, it is also typical for perfectionists to be very messy in some area of their lives, the way I used to be--it's the old "my desk at work is a mess of piles but I know exactly where to find everything in those piles" story. This is apparently called being a discouraged perfectionist, and Leman's explanation is that firstborn children have a combination of ridiculously high expectations for themselves--expecting perfection, basically--and something learned in childhood that tells them they can never be good enough. They create messes to mask their failure to be perfect--but even within that mess, they have a system.


I have always had this, but I have a lot of other emotional problems, too, so I have always kind of assumed this was part of that. The earth-shattering thing about this book was, for me, just learning that this might not be a particular-to-my-problems problem, but a typical-for-all-oldest-children problem--and therefore one that is now easier to understand. It was a very surprising experience for me to read through this book and see myself in so many of the examples he gives. In one chapter he talks about Emily, a firstborn who freaked out about cutting a circle as a child, because she couldn't cut it perfectly. I actually remember hating having to draw or cut out a heart in elementary school, because I could never get both sides to match! And it never occurred to me that this was something related to birth order, of all things.


As far as the way the book is written, I found it a little annoying. Dr. Leman grew up in the 50s (I think?), and you can hear it in the way he talks--his voice is kind of cheesy and he says things like "Say, don't we need to buy milk?" (This is not a quote, but I had to return the book to the library and now it's checked out so I can't find any actual examples.) Anyway, it's fine, it's just not my style.
 
There are people who don't believe birth order has anything to do with anything, and I have to say that I can't imagine how that could be true. Obviously these things aren't always true about everyone, and Dr. Leman says that many times in the book. Certainly some people don't fit their descriptions, especially middle children, who have much less specific descriptions in the first place. I know several people, actually, who don't fit their descriptions at all. But there's no way I could have read that much stuff that describes me so well and not believe it has validity as a theory; besides that, it just makes sense, because it's all about how you relate to different people in your family and the kinds of experiences you're going to have, based on where you fit in. So the moral of the story is this: You might learn some surprising things about yourself if you read this book, and even if you don't, you will at least learn some useful things about other people in your life. I think you should check it out.