Thursday, September 27, 2007

They're Spreading Blankets on the Beach

Today was a slightly bipolar day. The nighttime wasn't fabulous-- Mike wasn't feeling well and was stressed out because his hospital bill was $650, and I had a REALLY hard time focusing on my homework, which was both abundant and abundantly boring.
The daytime, however, was AMAZING, so I'm going to focus on that. I feel like writing happy things, so here they are, in chronological order.

1. I didn't have to wake up at 6:45 this morning.
2. I did, however, wake up at 8 and get ready completely unrushed.
3. Went to my 10:00 class which I love, and listened to a new playlist on the way to campus. I decided I need to listen to the Fray, Keane, and Straylight Run more, so I made a playlist before I left called Stray Light with just those three bands in it. Good times walking to campus.
4. Had two hours until my next class, so I went to the Humanities Advisement Center to get some things taken care of.
a) I found out for sure that all my classes are available in the winter, so I will be graduating in April and not August.
b) the adviser switched me to the other GE plan which got me out of taking an extra science class. Yay!!
c) I decided to take Statistics next semester, 1- because it will actually be useful in my career, and 2- because Hebrew is just too, too much right now, and it's not worth the toll it will take on me and my schoolwork.
d) I finally declared my editing minor (one class away from finishing it)!
So the trip there was very successful.
5. I went to my 1:00 class which I also love.
6. It was soooo beautiful outside, so instead of just walking home I decided to sit outside the Maeser building and just read Uglies, which I had with me.
7. Went in the Maeser building for the first time since my freshman year, when I was there all the time for Freshman Academy/Honors classes. Quite nostalgic.
8. Got a phone call from the internship I applied for, went over to the Clyde to talk to them, took a test, and was offered the internship! This is fantastic because:
a) It's paid (not all internships are) and it's $8 an hour (good for Provo and very good for a campus job).
b) It's on campus so I don't have to drive anywhere, and I get to choose my own hours so my schedule is amazing.
c) It's tons of really great editing experience and networking! I am super excited.
d) It's on the (slightly scary) top floor of the Clyde, which means I'll get to spend even MORE time there than I have to this point. Fun because I will see some friends there. Not fun because the fourth floor smells unbelievably like body odor. You wouldn't even believe.
9. Walked home from campus in an amazing mood, absolutely elated! So I called my mom to tell her about it, and she put me on speakerphone with my dad too, and when I told them about it they were SO EXCITED. This year is really just coming together for me, and my mom especially is really excited about it.
10. My mom and I talked for a long time about some amazing things!
a) She's finally going to start writing her story soon, which countless people have been telling her to do for ages. And by the time she gets it ready for publication I'll be working in the field, and how amazing would that be for my career! It's the kind of story that Church publications will JUMP on. I'm so excited.
b) Her mom--who lives in Israel--is going on a cruise to Italy next year and my mom and I talked about going. I'm SO, SO excited about that-- going to Israel with my mom, learning the language firsthand, not having to be a total tourist because I'll be with natives--and then going on a cruise to ITALY with my grandmother and great aunt, and my grandmother's from Italy so we won't get gypped and sold everything for 38943 times the price and she'll know all the best places to go and it'll totally be like a generational female thing for the first time in our family! Not to mention my first time out of the country, and to places that 1- I've always wanted to see and 2- are part of my family history! Saving begins NOW, and if something doesn't work out i don't know what I'll do besides cry. So we're thinking positively. :) :) :)

So. You can see how amazing my day was. There were times when I was so excited I could hardly even contain myself, I felt like my torso was probably just about to explode any second from the intensity. Seriously, this was like... the best day ever.

Praying for more like this in the future. :)

One more thing. I haven't said much about this to anyone because I'm still afraid to commit myself fully, but I think Mike and I might be getting married in Utah. Reasoning: my mom isn't going to let me graduate without walking, like I kinda wanted to, which means my family will want to come up here. As much as I would be really super sacrificing if I didn't get married in Mesa, it would be really convenient if my family could make one trip up here for my graduation/wedding and get it all in one fell swoop. (Isn't that considerate of me? Honestly.) So... yeah. Still not fully committed, but it's looking that way right now. Also kind of exciting because it's closer to specific decisions, and also it's fun thinking about graduating right now. :)

Okay I think that's really all. I've been writing for about 40 minutes now and I really need to go to sleep so I'm not exhausted in the morning. Mostly I just need to turn off the light already so my eyes won't explode.

Oh and soon I should be getting my pigeon books from Megan's book order, and whatever other books I ordered that I can't remember. I'm mostly excited about the pigeon ones though. I can't wait to finally have them! Hurray!

Haha I'm talking soooooooooooo much.

I should have pictures. As if this post isn't long enough. But I guess I don't have any pictures that correspond anyway. Too bad I don't have a picture of the guy who was doing capoeira-esque flip-kick-thingies outside the Maeser today. I took a video but I don't think I'm going to bother with getting that on here right now.

Yay for a fabulous day!

The end.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Takes My Pain Away

So I went on a really long drive earlier today. I was feeling like crap and didn't really know why; I watched Love Actually (now one of my very favorite movies) and cried for most of it (in parts that I don't usually cry in), and I felt really depressed, so I spontaneously decided to go to the mall. On my way there I decided I didn't want to go yet, though, and I wanted to keep driving. So I just kept going straight on State St... through Orem, Lindon, Pleasant Grove, and American Fork... and then it became the on-ramp for I-15, so I got on that... and drove to Draper before I decided to turn around and go home. I listened to my music as loud as I could, with my windows down and my hair all over the place and in my eyes and sticking to my lips, and this is the playlist I listened to (called "Freakin Awesome" on my iPod):

Monsters-- Matchbook Romance
Pain-- Jimmy Eat World
Bleed American-- Foo Fighters
DOA-- Foo Fighters
Paralyzed-- the Used
Bleed It Out-- Linkin Park
Tremble for My Beloved-- Collective Soul (not hard enough; I skipped it halfway through)
Bring It (Snakes on a Plane)-- Cobra Starship
Beast and the Harlot-- Avenged Sevenfold
Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades-- Brand New

It's about a 35 minute list, and I went through it twice through before I started to mellow out a little, at which point I pulled out my Muse playlist (entitled "I Want to Have Muse's Babies") and listened to that until I got to Mike's house.

My Freakin Awesome playlist is really good driving/feeling pissed/venting music; I like those songs because of their fast beats, mostly, which are good for me when I'm upset. Also they sound really fabulous played very, very loudly.

And now I need to just mention how amazing my boyfriend is (I apologize if this sounds like gloating; it's really not. Just appreciation). I'm not sure if I conveyed before how crappy I was feeling earlier today, but it was really really crappy. Also I'm supposed to start my period any day now, which means I'm already starting to cramp and feeling bloated and everything. Amidst all this, for some unexplainable reason I decided to go PANTS shopping.

This should have been a recipe for disaster. I don't know what I was thinking, but in theory it was a terrible, terrible idea. Normally. But Mike came with me and saw every pair of pants that I tried on, and he actually made me cheer up and feel really good! I was very impressed. It didn't even occur to me until we were leaving the mall that I'd just spent hours trying on jeans, which should have been an awful experience, and instead I was actually leaving in a million times better mood than I'd gone in! Amazing!

So. I spent a ton of money on clothes for the first time in a really, really long time (like over a year, I'm pretty sure, or very close to it); I got three pairs of jeans, a couple shirts and three camisoles. Then we went to FYE and I bought SNL the best of Will Ferrell and season 4 of Friends, which was also very productive. Hurray for that. And hurray for Mike being so great about cheering me up and helping me find jeans and basically just being awesome today.

And now I'm falling asleep. I think I'll go to bed.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


My first post from my new computer!!

It's not actually going to be a real post because I'm on my way out, but I figured I had to have a computer-christening post the first time I used the internet on it.

Hurray :) :)

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I feel really, really crappy.

Mike and I were at his house earlier tonight. I was doing homework--and actually accomplishing a lot--while he did some reading for one of his classes. Then we went to a movie. I felt really anxious during the time between stopping my homework and getting to the movie. I felt nauseated, weak, and shaky, and I could think of not one reason for me to be freaking out.

Then we got out of the movie, which was not as funny as I expected it to be but was still good, and Mike started driving me home. I was fine for most of the way, and we talked about random things. Then we got closer to my apartment and suddenly I was feeling just... sad. I don't know why, I can't explain it any more than I could the anxiety. I still feel it. Not I want to cry kind of sad, just... sad.

I don't know what's wrong, and the only thing I can think of to do now is sleep.

Updates on Muse, Mike's trip to the emergency room, and Brooklyn's funeral later.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

My Roller Coaster Week

The past week has been pretty unbelievable (and by past week I mean from last Friday to this coming Saturday). In case I haven't already told you a hundred times, let me break it down for you.

Friday, September 7-- my family had to put down our dog, Cookie, after eight years. Very traumatizing experience for everyone.

(My brother Daniel texted me this picture after they'd put her down with a message that made both Mike and me cry: "Remember this is how she really is, and how she is now.")

Monday, September 10-- Brooklyn, Mike's three-year-old niece, died from two brain tumors after an eight-month roller coaster. Also traumatizing. To comfort ourselves, Mike and I went to Tucano's (my first time) and it was amazing beyond all reason.

(Brooklyn on Saturday, less than two days before she died.)

Wednesday, September 12-- the Muse concert that I have been SO EXCITED for since May.

Thursday, September 13-- Mike's and my 10 month anniversary.

Friday, September 14-- Brooklyn's funeral, which I just found out is at 11. Also RedFest, which we wanted to go to and now probably aren't going to be able to, but still want to.

Saturday, September 15-- our proposed zoo trip with Dan, Candice, and the girls. Very likely going to be postponed now. Also India Fest in Spanish Fork, which I REALLY want to go to.

Sunday, September 16 was going to be Mike's nephew Cillian's blessing, but apparently they have some visiting General Authority or something that week, so it's being postponed to the 30th. This will probably now be the day that we go visit the McGees because it's about darned time.

(Cillian when Mike and I took him on a walk Sunday night. He's almost two months old now!)

Some really good things happening, and also some really bad. Megan suggested that it's happening this way so they can balance each other out and make my life not complete hell, which I'm sure is true, but it makes for a very hectic schedule at the moment. Also, on top of these things (and because of these things, in some cases, such as the class I missed last night because I was exhausted and slept through it, and also the classes I missed on Monday because I was with Mike and his family) I have a ton of homework that I am slowly getting behind in. It's Hebrew's fault, and it's mostly Hebrew that I'm getting behind in, but I am just having a really hard time being able to focus on my homework in there for the length of time that I need to really get it done. No bueno.

I wonder if I should start incorporating Hebrew into my conversation the way I do Spanish. Instead of saying "no bueno" I suppose I could start saying "lo tov." The only problem here is that no one would know what I was saying. Hmm.

So I originally came into the lab here because I was going to print off readings for two different classes, both of which were supposed to be posted on Blackboard, and neither of which actually are. So now I'm just wasting time, pretty much not as concerned as I should be that I won't have done the reading when I get to either of those classes today.

All in all, my life's kind of a roller coaster right now, and I'm not sure how I'm handling it. In fact, I'm not even sure that I AM handling it. I'm just kinda coasting along, doing as much homework as I can and then if I can't finish, I don't... I've hardly even cried for Brooklyn, and definitely not as much as I did for Cookie. I'm sure that will be different at the funeral though. It's just easier not to think about it.

At least my professors are being understanding so far. Also, I'm thinking I'm going to audit that second Hebrew class. Random news, not important.

My tummy is very hungry.

And now I'm done.

Monday, September 10, 2007

The Sharpest Lives

You may have noticed that this post was originally on the Virtual Quote Wall instead of here. That is because I am retarded, and Megan pointed it out. The end.

Also, funny story: I was in one of the open access labs on campus when I did this, and I finished just before I had to go to class, so I stuck my iPod in my backpack and left. Then I got in my car a few hours later to go visit Amanda and Bethany, pulled out my iPod, and discovered it was STILL PLAYING. I'd forgotten to put it on pause when I put it in my backpack, and the battery was almost dead. Yay me.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!

Looking for Romance (I Bring You a Song) - I have no idea what this is but it's Disney.

The Way, Fastball

Hold, Saves the Day

Televators, the Mars Volta

Although I Dropped $100,000 (I Found a Million Dollars in You), Disney something

Wherever I May Roam, Metallica

You're So Vain, Carly Simon

Wasting My Time, Default - well crap, that's unfortunate.

Desecrate Through Reverence, Avenged Sevenfold - ...

God Help the Outcasts, the Hunchback

I Want You to Want Me, Letters to Cleo

an unidentified song from the instrumental Rudy soundtrack

Thank You for the Venom, My Chemical Romance

Sending Postcards from a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here), Fall Out Boy

Don't Want You Back, Backstreet Boys

Life is Wonderful, Jason Mraz

Magic Works, the Harry Potter 4 soundtrack

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again, Phantom of the Opera - wow, surprisingly appropriate for today

Thanks for the Memories, Fall Out Boy

Copa Cabana, Barry Manilow

Un Giorno Per Noi (Romeo e Giulietta) (from Romeo and Juliet), Josh Groban

Hey Joe, the Jimi Hendrix Experience

Always, Saliva

Unforgiven, Metallica - does not bode well.

I Hope Tomorrow is Like Today, Guster

Bring on the Rain, Jo Dee Messina

The Sharpest Lives, My Chemical Romance

Wow. Very few of those had any relevance whatsoever to their subjects. Oh well. Yay for randomosity.

Friday, September 7, 2007

I Miss My Puppy

Last night my mom texted me to tell me that they'd decided to put our dog, Cookie, to sleep. She's had seizures ever since we got her eight years ago, and they've only gotten worse over the years. When I was home in August she wasn't doing very well at all, and apparently it's gotten to the point where it's just cruel to keep her alive. So this morning, while I was in my Hebrew class trying to give an oral presentation, the rest of my family minus Dafni was at the vet's office.
I've been crying most of the time since last night when I found out. I talked to Talia, who also cried the whole time we were talking... I talked to my dad while they were in the waiting room, and he was crying... My little brothers cried... I just wish I could've been there. At least my brothers and my dad were all there though. They were even closer to that dog than my sisters and mom and I were. But we all loved her so much, and I'm starting to cry again even as I'm writing this. My poor puppy. They buried her in our backyard, which at first struck me as kinda creepy, but now I'm glad they did. And at least we have the comfort of knowing that she's finally not in pain anymore.

Goodbye, puppy. I miss you already.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Bitterness, You Say? Why Yes. Yes It Is.

I need to complain for a few minutes before I can even think about starting my endless homework. I have so much to do but with the mood I'm in, I don't think I'll make much progress in Hebrew anyway.

I am never going to be able to do anything. I'm never going to have any life experience beyond my own bubble. Nearly everyone I know at this point has been to at least one other country, and in fact I can't even think of anyone who's only been to one. I've wanted nothing more since I was a little kid than to be able to go to Europe and the Middle East, and in more than 20 years I haven't once been able to get out of the country. My mother is from Israel and my grandmother's from Italy. I even have family living there, and I still can't go. I'm the only person I know who's never been to Disneyland. I've never been to New York or Hawaii or Washington DC or San Fransisco or Boston. I've never even been to Mexico or Canada.

Now, I'm sure most of you who will be reading my blog have heard me complain about this before. So you know how big a deal it is to me. Well, scratch that-- you probably don't. To be honest, I usually try not to let people know how much I want to go, because I know I won't be able to, and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. The thing is, the reason I can't go isn't one that I can do anything about.

I have no money. I never have and honestly, I probably never will. I know my mom would say that that attitude will keep me from having any, and I won't go into the details of why I think this, but unless something drastically good happens to me in the financial department, I'll be right.

Is it fair that I will never be able to do anything because my parents don't have the money to give to me? My dad has an incredible job and yet somehow my parents have struggled with money my entire life. They can't pay for me to go to college. The only thing they can help me with is my insurance, and they pay that only because I never have the money to, not because they can afford it. But my dad makes a lot of money, so I can't get any grants or need-based scholarships, regardless of how much I actually do need them. And no, I wasn't amazing enough in high school to get academic scholarships, and I've become even less amazing since I started college. Is it really fair that because I got lower grades than some of my peers, I will be making huge monthly payments on my college education until I'm 50? And is it fair that, because I have so many student loans and am constantly straining my income so that I can take out smaller loans so I won't have so much to pay back, I will never have the money to do anything?

This is not a new issue for me, of course, but the reason I'm so upset about it today is that I just went to the mandatory orientation meeting for my major, where the department spent 15 minutes talking about our new English Language in Britain study abroad program. Don Chapman went on about how incredible England is, how none of the pictures we've ever seen can compare to the real thing, how there's just such an amazing feeling there-- and I actually almost started crying while he was talking. The program, you see, is estimated right now to cost $4300-$4700, and this is not including airfare, personal stuff, or food for the entire month and a half of the trip. So no matter how much I want it-- and believe me, it's a lot-- I can't go. I wouldn't be able to go even if I wasn't planning on getting married at the beginning of next summer and trying to save for that. WHY does everyone else get to go, and I can't?

No matter how hard I work, no matter how good a job I get, it seems like my expenses are always just a little bit more than my income. And besides that, even if I had the money in my bank account right now, I wouldn't feel justified in going because I know that I have thousands and thousands of dollars in debt that I have to pay back, and that will only get more expensive the longer I wait to pay it back.

I know I'm being really whiny about this, but it just makes me want to cry. I can't even express how much I've always wanted to travel, and the list of places I'm dying to go is forever long and only getting longer. Am I ever going to get to do it? The chances are not great.